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LOTS OF THOUGHTS...

Thought #1.  I dont know if it is just me, but is anyone else worried about next weeks eliminations?  At just over 7% loss, i know that it is just about anyone that can go... one good or bad week this week changes the shift.  I am nervous and i just had to put it out there.  I am certainly not complaining about 28 lbs in a month, but since i started out so much higher, i have to lose more to keep up in percentage. 

Thought #2.  OMG if anyone needs a little motivation, watch the video from week one weigh in then watch todays... Whatever change you cannot see... the camera can... Da** you guys look good!

Thought #3.  Congrats BLUE on a week well done!

Thought #4.  This past week has been quite stressful.  I have let negativity from several sources bring me down and make me lose my focus.  At the end of the day, I am here because i wanted to change my life, and sometimes it is easy to lose sight of that.  Sometimes during the workout, I am ready to give in and just stop.  The point where my are shaking just to try to come together and it all seems to happen in slow motion.  Today is a new day, I am going to start from scratch and continue to remind myself why I am here and separate myself from those negative influences that surround me. 

Yea, the seatbelt is a good motivation, but certainly not my only motivation.  I want to start to like myself again, it is amazing how as weight increases, so does self-loathing... i bet there is a mathmatic equation for it.  In May 2009 when i walk the stage as a first generation college graduate, i want to look like a person that can get hired at a professional PR firm, or anywhere for that matter, but honestly NOBODY is going to hire me the way i am today... I am a liability and I know that.  I must also mention that my husband, who truly loves me even as I am, deserves a gorgeous wife... not that i am doing it for him... but I WANT to look good for him.  I HATE needing special furniture at school, because i do not fit in the attached desks, or even the auditorium chairs.  I wont fly, not because I am scared, but i dont want them to charge me for two seats, the last time i was on a flight, i had to get an extender which is really embarassing and NOBODY wants to sit next to the fat person... they are afraid they might catch it or something... I know it is really just because my arms invade their space... but sometimes they really do seem scared.  At school as a trudge down the halls, people dive into classrooms to get out of my way, I know I am a big-girl, but seriously they dont have to flatten themselves against the wall in order not to get squished.  Okay, just one more thing... I really do enjoy amusement parks, but it is no fun to get kicked off of a ride because the safety conrols wont let them start the ride without a third click on the harness... and the new Goliath is supposed to be Awwe-Some!

Okay, so those are my thoughts... good and bad.  Now I am off to start a new positive week!

Published Thursday, March 20, 2008 5:15 PM by Laurie

Comments

 

Belinda said:

Laurie - now this is the kind of blog I love it says something IMPORTANT!!!!  you know you are doing great laurie!
March 20, 2008 6:24 PM
 

Belinda said:

and just becuase you express what is really happening to you does not mean it is negative.... it just is and we need to know we are not alone and others have these fellings too... and I bet everyone reading this will be touched in so many different ways.
March 20, 2008 6:27 PM
 

Laurie said:

Negativity through dissapointment is not the problem, everyone has bad days, and those lows are the ones that are great to hear.  The negativity i am talking about goes beyond that, like having my mother put the pressure on me to have a good week because she is going to be watching and wanted to be proud of me.... I think she should be proud of my because of my accomplishments... my talent... my drive... and weight loss yea... but i think it should be far down the list.  This is more the negativity I am talking about.  If anyone wants to be negative about themselves, by all means... my problem with negativity is when it is placed on other things and could disrespect others... but self-loathing is just part of this game=)
March 20, 2008 6:33 PM
 

Belinda said:

Yes and i agree your mother should be proud of you because of the fact that you are her daughter and look at all you have already accomplished!! My god You are putting yourself through school you have a man that loves you and a successful marriage and the only little (lets face it bump in your life right now) is the weight but that is not who you are.  I always felt there are so many people in general who spend so much time being what someone else wants them to be until they no longer have or want that person and guess what they end up with nothing and have to start from scratch with 3 teenage kids and no job and no help from a mother that felt she should have stay no matter what...  Have you ever listened to any tapes or books from Leo Bescaglia (spell?) ... oh my god he changed me totally he understood that little fat little girl who never fit in at school or at home and he takes you back to take care of HER needs!  read him if you can and put a weekend aside to go through it!  lots of tissues!
b
March 20, 2008 7:57 PM
 

EarlSelf said:

Laurie...Your Quite a Gal. I think your thoughts are a snapshot in time that all of us have had or are having Now. Being Fat Sucks.. The seatbelt in my wife's car doesn't fit me, and at least half the time I Fly I need an Extension. Many times I have been all the way across the country for meetings that ended early, so to get home earlier I would change my Flight, only to get a Middle seat. The looks people would give, many asked to change seats. I would try to fold my arms to pull them so as not to bother them but it was so uncomftable to set there for approx 6 Hours flying from Wash DC to Los Angeles. Oh Ya,,, I can relate. I don't like doing all this Cardio either but, I feel I can do anything for 12 weeks. After that I will continue but not 4-5 hours per day. Your Doing So Good...Keep it Up
March 20, 2008 8:14 PM
 

diannag said:

laurie, my god, do you realize that you are not alone? there are so many of us out here that are going thru or have had the same experiences you have gone thru. you are a caring person who knows how to work for the things she wants and is not afraid to go for it( 0500 work outs annd all). it would be soo easy to sit back and say that everything is too hard, it can't be done, you arent good enough .even those so called"beautiful " people aren't happy with themselves, trying to have the latest styles, lastest surgery, you name it, and they still are unhapppy( trust me in my line of work i see it all the time). you are abeautiful person, your husband knows it, your friends know it, and darn it all of us out here know it. you just have to see it for yourself; you are diong this FOR YOU, so it doesn't matter what other people think or feel, or how they look at you, you are doing great. besides, there are 2 facts that you need to know...... you are attempting something that most people wouldn't even try, even those who are pressuring you, so whatever you do or lose, you are already better than them. 2nd, beauty comes in all sizes and you are already there, those thin people have to work on their spirits, and trust me, it is alot harder to do emotional workouts!!! we are all works in progress, you know. your fellow in the trenches   dianna.
March 20, 2008 9:49 PM
 

Mickster40 said:

"Thought #2.  OMG if anyone needs a little motivation, watch the video from week one weigh in then watch todays... Whatever change you cannot see... the camera can... Da** you guys look good!"

You were in my head girl!! I watched the video from week one earlier tonight and then the one from today!! OMGosh!! We all look so different!! It is amazing what one month can do, imagine what we are all going to look like in 2 more months!! I hope you are including yourself in that statement above - cause you be looking good girl - Amazing!!

I love you Laurie and I think you are doing a fabulous job, changing emotionally is all a part of this roller coaster and by the end of your journey you are going to love yourself as much as your man does!! I mean what is there not to love?? This is HARD and the fact that you stepped up and are facing it head on shows your strength and courage!!  

:) I hope your mom just said it wrong and really meant that she hoped you had a great week and she was proud of you!!  
March 20, 2008 10:18 PM
 

Laurie said:

I am so lucky to go through this process with you guys!  Its hard sometimes to remember that other people know what i am talking about.  I means so much to me that you guys relate... even though it would be better if none of us could relate.  Thanks for the lift up!
March 20, 2008 10:42 PM
 

MrsMcCulloch said:

Laurie ~ We do TOTALLY understand and are TOTALLY here for you! If it wasn't for you fabulous 9 people that were chosen I'm sure I would still be sitting at home eating when nobody was watching. I can't tell ya'll enough what an inspiration you all are to me! And I'm sure a whole lot of other people who are out there watching and or participating. We are in this for the common goal of feeling better, being healthy, taking control of our lives again, and many many other reasons. I appreciate ya'll venting on here your good day and your bad days b/c it really helps to read that i'm not the only one that has a problem w/ this. It means a lot! You are doing a great job and keep it up girl! ~ Marci
March 21, 2008 9:15 AM
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